i am cj

its been too long for this page to be updated
someone has been exploiting it for a while but its over now. I'm doing fine right now. Have a job thats worth working so far and a pay that's worth for survival so far, Guess this is just life is tough as time goes on . The more it gets really serious it also get really crazy but happy.. Living this way would mean the world for any normal human, I feel ok and that is it ...
Sometimes it is just hard to deal with it but the more commit ed i am to fix it I know i can get this more better than what i expect.

Thanks heaven for this life,work,pay, family, and people i am with!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sometimes i dont mind what i can be
im amazed of how life can be anything
sometimes its just what it seems to happen that amazes me
even though im so messed up but im growing beyond to what i do
every is just another day to do what must be done and be conscious of what needs to be done
i learned how to keep these very moments that makes me more like me
i have been alone and now im not
i do what it takes to survive and i can and i will

carefree

sept 19.2010

carefree.... i hope im not wasting this time for feeling carefree. i just felt it everyday not thinking of what comes next.. im just teriffied that everyday as time is passingf by im slowly feeling left of alone and left off last in line... i just guess it wont get worst hopefully it gets better in stead...
stayed home and did nothing but wasted time watching and tried to do things that could help me forget the tragedy but then it started to kick my head out of the way,,,wheew what could it possibly be in this way i couldnt figure things out but just let it through ..
waiting for changes to happen and grace to fall off from the heavens... whew i wondered how could this happen to me for now .. well im just confident enough that this would be over and it could get along with my life and my path..

tragedy

aug 29.2010..

morning of sunday with no sleep and no rest jsut tryng to forget how my world just ended last friday hearing words leading me to the word fired..... it felt so bad that i could not cry but smile and say oooooooooooooo ok im sa gonna be fine like i use too. went out midnight of saturday didnt sleep eat and surf the web afterwards.. could not know what to do next feels just like carefree but still with scars getting deeper just loosing everything by a single snap of a word... what could this just mean to me... justt to ease what had happened i jsut went on listening to music and went on and kept it inside thinking how to work it out... felt so numb as same as before i got that job now i lost that job just felt worst than ... could it be worst then what is next... im totally out of words i just cant stop and let time pass by...this is simply getting to misundastood..depression could be worst that it could get me down as i can.... cant pretend any longer than what i do right now ... could torment me in a future htat i just can not spell at all... 

tangled right now .... dont know .....

im waiting

july 25.2010
waiting for grace to come and change my life.. i always wanted change but i never tried to see how to change.. hush when will thing go according to plan .. ive made som uch palns and never met one plan in action at all,,,, i'm so dieing already ,,,,
i couldnt have someone to tell all this stuff cos im jyst afraid it would get much woprst instead of better.. im jsut clearly tired of it on and on and on .....

could it just be problem solving in easy mode..im so totaly out of my mind ...so blank and so numb...'
;-( why is ithis so killing me

numb!!

july 25.2010

im getting numb mor and more lately of what is happening with me and him as well as things im going throuhg with all my finances that im always short and so brokeat all times that i jsut wanted to just sleep and never wake up anymore.. problems and all hte stuff is killing bit by bit already...
latley im in a tough decision making wiht him as well cos he is finally setting me free it seems like i dont like cos im already used to having him arround ..used to seeing him do things for me ...it made cry a lot of times more !!!!!!!!!!!!!dont want that anymore...hope to be oever with it anymore..


at home is like a home for numbnes cos im useed to faking wiht all the stuff i do jsut for them not to notice anything  suspicous.hanging out alone with tv and bed to just sleep and do my daily routines...sleep clean and work that it...
 so worried that it might make more identities that taking over me bit by bit,,.,im jsut so freaking tired and retrded rigth now...

im crossing my fingers hat thins would be better once the next month comes that ill be fine wiht finances once i get mmy pay and stuff nad i cross my fingers for a good stats at work and reliablity that im fixing...

hush Lord@!!!! help

thoughts!!!

june 15.2010

so far nothuing has change..tangled in things i cant get away from..i jsut want ot help but i jsut cant help my self at all.my family is suffering much pain emotionlay right and financialy too.. i neglect my mothers needs since she doesnt see me in need too...well as think more of these things making me more exhausted and so tired but still fighting to meet my plans and everything im thinking for not wishing for... im jsut too weird to be outspoken in ways i consider to be unique and not common enough to be understood by other...

whats the point of all this as y minds flashes back everything...i jsut have to live by surviving everyday of mylife..

help me happiness if your there.