miserable??

march 20.2010

things getting worst..people around me looks at me so blankly that they are letting me feel so annoyed. as if ive done something so ew and so damn dumb. i was thinkning at this moment have i created something out of just nothing and have i jsut done something out a nutshell with out using my brains out.??em i so stupid enough to let jsut thiongs screw everything. everybody was talking abt me and my sisters bro hanz..out of love and care for him i lied to them as always just to hide everything im feeling and everything im going through since htey dont even bother ask..all they just belive is what others say and what they is true.. i have gone out so mad so blue so numb im tired of it realy,saying giving up is almost next in line,.not giving up on him but giving up on living the same way again and again..
i felt his sufering right now figthting not to loose me...just as iam wondering ans worying of his status that he is her ein baguio with out no help at all,hta only me could help him ..im being screwed fianncialy and emotionaly ands everyting..
there are jsut some thing i have to get along with of just using my mind from right and wrong and keeping it hidden suince no one botehrs to care and no one bothers to sa y hi how are you ...im done my decisions all screwed and all messed up...its jsut really over??

confused and bothered so much

march 12.2010

its been a while i havent written something here.. things were to fast.i could not even remeber things that happen each day tha t passes by..i got caught with the dirty little secret i had with the bro if kim.it felt so ew when you people you living with is thinkling your out of your mind and not using your brains,.,.well obviously my family is against me and him,.i couldnt just stop and deny everything because of fear and just tired of confrontation that leads to nothing so i just had to just keep it and let them think fell nothing ever happend..

i nver got the privacty of my own they always think i am hiding things which obviously even my phone  my other stuff my blog my mail anything whatever,,

well they are still my family and i still believe in them..i know this is realy wrong and it may be wrong but i just want to let things just flow and be it as the way it is,,,,it is pretty much hard for to keep but im getting used to it this time...
it just feels good helping someone out a shell...makingh im feel worth changing for so i had him here..got him a job and a home and the stuff where he could start over,., who am i to blame god gave me blessing to give him help ,,,
this is just breath taking to keep such dirty little secret...

giving up??

feb 29.2010
im here sitting at the pantry thinking of giving up...for who? for him..i felt tired already,felt helpless and tired of lieing to my family abt having a bf secretly and tied of faking out already..but then i felt love though it were a wrong way..i could not take the effect of it since i might loose one thingthat taught me to care life and relationship. i tlaked to him about it but he was so strong that he persuaded me to be strong for him ..i love him that i i could make him hurt so much,if you are reding this i love you so much that i will fight harder un til the last straw of our relation too....i miss you i love you much

disoriented and whatever

feb 28.2010
was then a day with the family suppoosedly hehe. guess what i was in the house sleeping and didnt mind if i should go or not,was then so tired and exhausted with everything then. my bestfriend texted me to dropby his office so i went there then we had strolling for the whole afternoon.we even saw her exgf who got jealous of me being with morris,.ahahah i saw her big eyes out of shock i was smiling but she smiled back badly..ahahah
we both were laghing with morris cos that girl was craziest girl ever...
well i decided to meet the famliy and the cousins at the park me and morris went to see them they were all having fun as for me was just hanging around feeling nothing....
we wnet to watch concerts at melvin then had a dinner and had separate ways...
went to my famly picnic area and had some bit fun watchign the concert with them...so long that was pangbenga 2010