carefree

sept 19.2010

carefree.... i hope im not wasting this time for feeling carefree. i just felt it everyday not thinking of what comes next.. im just teriffied that everyday as time is passingf by im slowly feeling left of alone and left off last in line... i just guess it wont get worst hopefully it gets better in stead...
stayed home and did nothing but wasted time watching and tried to do things that could help me forget the tragedy but then it started to kick my head out of the way,,,wheew what could it possibly be in this way i couldnt figure things out but just let it through ..
waiting for changes to happen and grace to fall off from the heavens... whew i wondered how could this happen to me for now .. well im just confident enough that this would be over and it could get along with my life and my path..

tragedy

aug 29.2010..

morning of sunday with no sleep and no rest jsut tryng to forget how my world just ended last friday hearing words leading me to the word fired..... it felt so bad that i could not cry but smile and say oooooooooooooo ok im sa gonna be fine like i use too. went out midnight of saturday didnt sleep eat and surf the web afterwards.. could not know what to do next feels just like carefree but still with scars getting deeper just loosing everything by a single snap of a word... what could this just mean to me... justt to ease what had happened i jsut went on listening to music and went on and kept it inside thinking how to work it out... felt so numb as same as before i got that job now i lost that job just felt worst than ... could it be worst then what is next... im totally out of words i just cant stop and let time pass by...this is simply getting to misundastood..depression could be worst that it could get me down as i can.... cant pretend any longer than what i do right now ... could torment me in a future htat i just can not spell at all... 

tangled right now .... dont know .....

im waiting

july 25.2010
waiting for grace to come and change my life.. i always wanted change but i never tried to see how to change.. hush when will thing go according to plan .. ive made som uch palns and never met one plan in action at all,,,, i'm so dieing already ,,,,
i couldnt have someone to tell all this stuff cos im jyst afraid it would get much woprst instead of better.. im jsut clearly tired of it on and on and on .....

could it just be problem solving in easy mode..im so totaly out of my mind ...so blank and so numb...'
;-( why is ithis so killing me

numb!!

july 25.2010

im getting numb mor and more lately of what is happening with me and him as well as things im going throuhg with all my finances that im always short and so brokeat all times that i jsut wanted to just sleep and never wake up anymore.. problems and all hte stuff is killing bit by bit already...
latley im in a tough decision making wiht him as well cos he is finally setting me free it seems like i dont like cos im already used to having him arround ..used to seeing him do things for me ...it made cry a lot of times more !!!!!!!!!!!!!dont want that anymore...hope to be oever with it anymore..


at home is like a home for numbnes cos im useed to faking wiht all the stuff i do jsut for them not to notice anything  suspicous.hanging out alone with tv and bed to just sleep and do my daily routines...sleep clean and work that it...
 so worried that it might make more identities that taking over me bit by bit,,.,im jsut so freaking tired and retrded rigth now...

im crossing my fingers hat thins would be better once the next month comes that ill be fine wiht finances once i get mmy pay and stuff nad i cross my fingers for a good stats at work and reliablity that im fixing...

hush Lord@!!!! help

thoughts!!!

june 15.2010

so far nothuing has change..tangled in things i cant get away from..i jsut want ot help but i jsut cant help my self at all.my family is suffering much pain emotionlay right and financialy too.. i neglect my mothers needs since she doesnt see me in need too...well as think more of these things making me more exhausted and so tired but still fighting to meet my plans and everything im thinking for not wishing for... im jsut too weird to be outspoken in ways i consider to be unique and not common enough to be understood by other...

whats the point of all this as y minds flashes back everything...i jsut have to live by surviving everyday of mylife..

help me happiness if your there.

exhausted

june 4.2010
it feels os much same time after time i just couldnt make it up.my coach is so much fair but then why em i not ..wahtever i dont know. well jsut got back to school enrolling entrepeneurship haha  nice
lately been meeting wiht morris and jake mssing my best friend daw.. hahah morris talga ever.. kaloka,.,



 well so far no words to say today

missing somone??/

may20.2010

i am  here at the route checking out sites that i never check at times,im just so blank and blue right now, i just miss being in his arms every time before i go to my shift, its hard loosing communication even if im just like two blocks away, i was expecting if he would realize i would be waiting at the shed.heist hmpft could not think much of how i hurt him at all times when he request for something he wants from,im just being careful that im trying let him stop crave for that thing that we have be fighting over before when we first started this misery business.. i could not express myself every time his tantrums comes cos he assumes i am doing it to make it cold and off soon. i could not let go  for now i got no apetite at all right now even if food is infornt of me now...i wana go there see him now but i just cant since work is much of a priority not to loose my supply for my life. i have such plans  unaccomplished due to feeling blue right now........

weathered??

may  20.2010
its been a way too long things happens ... i just got my phone snatched lately just last night wiht just one split second,,, i was so absent minded then could not htink oh i just realise woow now im a victim it felt so differnet. im really so stupid and so careless of what i do em so bad that im such a shit then dat afeter daye...
that's  all i can say ...

 hope these things get over
i love skillet it soothes my mind when i listen to it ...

new update

april 16.2010

hi its been while thouhg still feeling emptyand confused stuill wondering what to do with life ...jsut so fed up wiht what is goign on in me my society and my environment it self.. it is contradicting everythng i am doing and feeling. everything would just be better off if im just faraway doing my thing on my own.. still people around sees me like nothing as nothing in hte future .. i know they say no not that way but still i feel it that way....

relationship ..this is the first rel i have right now and i jsut dont know how and why and what certainly happens if thing wont work or things jsut happen.... im too preoccupied thinkning of everything in me and every thing i knopw of me and this relation i am wtih...
until here..........

miserable??

march 20.2010

things getting worst..people around me looks at me so blankly that they are letting me feel so annoyed. as if ive done something so ew and so damn dumb. i was thinkning at this moment have i created something out of just nothing and have i jsut done something out a nutshell with out using my brains out.??em i so stupid enough to let jsut thiongs screw everything. everybody was talking abt me and my sisters bro hanz..out of love and care for him i lied to them as always just to hide everything im feeling and everything im going through since htey dont even bother ask..all they just belive is what others say and what they is true.. i have gone out so mad so blue so numb im tired of it realy,saying giving up is almost next in line,.not giving up on him but giving up on living the same way again and again..
i felt his sufering right now figthting not to loose me...just as iam wondering ans worying of his status that he is her ein baguio with out no help at all,hta only me could help him ..im being screwed fianncialy and emotionaly ands everyting..
there are jsut some thing i have to get along with of just using my mind from right and wrong and keeping it hidden suince no one botehrs to care and no one bothers to sa y hi how are you ...im done my decisions all screwed and all messed up...its jsut really over??

confused and bothered so much

march 12.2010

its been a while i havent written something here.. things were to fast.i could not even remeber things that happen each day tha t passes by..i got caught with the dirty little secret i had with the bro if kim.it felt so ew when you people you living with is thinkling your out of your mind and not using your brains,.,.well obviously my family is against me and him,.i couldnt just stop and deny everything because of fear and just tired of confrontation that leads to nothing so i just had to just keep it and let them think fell nothing ever happend..

i nver got the privacty of my own they always think i am hiding things which obviously even my phone  my other stuff my blog my mail anything whatever,,

well they are still my family and i still believe in them..i know this is realy wrong and it may be wrong but i just want to let things just flow and be it as the way it is,,,,it is pretty much hard for to keep but im getting used to it this time...
it just feels good helping someone out a shell...makingh im feel worth changing for so i had him here..got him a job and a home and the stuff where he could start over,., who am i to blame god gave me blessing to give him help ,,,
this is just breath taking to keep such dirty little secret...

giving up??

feb 29.2010
im here sitting at the pantry thinking of giving up...for who? for him..i felt tired already,felt helpless and tired of lieing to my family abt having a bf secretly and tied of faking out already..but then i felt love though it were a wrong way..i could not take the effect of it since i might loose one thingthat taught me to care life and relationship. i tlaked to him about it but he was so strong that he persuaded me to be strong for him ..i love him that i i could make him hurt so much,if you are reding this i love you so much that i will fight harder un til the last straw of our relation too....i miss you i love you much

disoriented and whatever

feb 28.2010
was then a day with the family suppoosedly hehe. guess what i was in the house sleeping and didnt mind if i should go or not,was then so tired and exhausted with everything then. my bestfriend texted me to dropby his office so i went there then we had strolling for the whole afternoon.we even saw her exgf who got jealous of me being with morris,.ahahah i saw her big eyes out of shock i was smiling but she smiled back badly..ahahah
we both were laghing with morris cos that girl was craziest girl ever...
well i decided to meet the famliy and the cousins at the park me and morris went to see them they were all having fun as for me was just hanging around feeling nothing....
we wnet to watch concerts at melvin then had a dinner and had separate ways...
went to my famly picnic area and had some bit fun watchign the concert with them...so long that was pangbenga 2010

hangover

feb 26,2010

an early morning for wide hng over from last night. i was so drunk and so dizzy.my bestfriend with me holding my hands as we flew along.it ws a day of our lives where we had to be hapy together with what is happening..i just could not sto and say hey why cant we be but that is not possble as im taken ..we both have talked about it that keeping hte path of friendship is better that making it worst entering into such boring deeper friendship..

i felt cared and loved when my bf called that he was too worried i was so sorry for making him worried that he could not understand my rel with my best friend..twas then far from having a love quarel with the sorry and explanations..

i hd made it in the edge of every scar in my life no that someone matters most is waht my scars bleed for..surely i would cherrish every moment of this.

horrible day???not much i guess

feb 26.2010
surely igot pissed off my self expecting he would make it but i ahd to understand.i dont aqnt to be demanding for something which it cant happen.i feel horrible haat i was too selfish enough to force him come but he just couldnt.
me and my closest friend and workmate went out strolling killing tie and using energy.we have had few gazing around the store and ate at zola restaurant and had walk to sm.jsut wuite fun and interesting though we both bought a shirt since it were er teacher..

as this moment eases the day it jsut turns out ll day well if you let things flow the way it is ,,it could be realy depressing but it just appears everytime..

the wait

feb 25,2010

time ticks fast and friday comes.have been stugling lately for such dya to come and be done with the struggle,haaay atlast i can enjoy my sweat and pain...
i have been most waiting for this time to come to finaly meet and be with the one who cared of me and cherish my presence..noe along i have fun inlife now and having soem to cling and share sotries upon...

next in line

feb 25,2010

got home as usual pretty tired but i was able to sleep early then.been so occupied htat things are un managed to be done.haven gone to the gym for a while since im getting early strssed. i will go ther once i get time.
i have been searching late ly of something to do in my mind just like keeping htings connected.
i still feel th same way i feel back thne ..thought of not speaking to a person for hte the mean time since i dont have words to say to her then,well time would let things pss by for the mean time though...
its is just life unspoken ...

till it get worse or never

feb 23 2010

home at last from work.waht a stressfull day.my eyes not cooperating latley as im having sore eyes on my right eyes and my eyesight is blurry. gone out eat soem street food near the house with my cousin.just hangin tight and had a good time tlaking with one of the people close to me.we chat and have shared smiles in which everday i hope it would be that way.
im in deep fianncial problem so far but it feels just fine and i dont like the situation hinder anything good that would happen today. done nothin lately but rest and watch some movies abt life and strugges with God and without God...
it take real tie for peole to remember the one above giving us such motivation in life to move..i got this from the movie of manny pacquiao's story...stoy of life and success..

first day of writing

feb 21-2010

today i felt like doing things that would make me ease of the pain of loosing and keeping people close to you..the thirteenth of feb i lost my aunt which was oe of the guardian who had been guiding me all the way since highschool,who thought me to live and love life as it is.it felt so bad that it had to be so soon.it made reflect that life is just one click of the creator then it blows away. it is just so sudden that we could not even do something since we dont have total control on it.each night i cry myself out i feel so empty that each pain is marking everyday of my life,

how log has it been this way since i was a kid.till this moment im turning out to be woman of no feelings to step on to and feel in to. my aunt would have fought so hard to her last breathe that she smiled and finnished her race.it is difficult to think htat what if someday id be that way as her too.not knowing things change and it keep on evolving that i may not notice it.this day all this thoughts poping in my mind..

im loving someone who is really not suposedly for me but then facing the present i cant help it but help him and love him the way he loves me..its just ot difficult it happens to be that way as it shows we are not meant for each other but were fighting to keep it as real intense loe as much as we can. i cant let ime pass away wihtout feeling som uch love as it is guiding me through..as time passes eahc memory would last as much as i can keep it on...for as long as it lasts!!